SURVIVING THE LOSS OF A NEW-BORN

As you rant about your inability to sleep because your baby is stubborn, someone somewhere is having bigger problems than sleep, just take a minute and think about a mother somewhere, whose nursing a loss of a child, her breasts bursting with milk, sore nipples, an open cesarean wound that is yet to recover, or still on sitz baths, she is asking God a lot of questions, Why me? God did you have to take even my rainbow baby? You gave me, why did you take him so fast? Why was my joy short-lived? For how long? How am I going to cope with this? When will I get pregnant again? Isn’t this tab too bitter to swallow?

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It is all joy when one receives a new-born, in those warm blankets, warm mitten, and new is written all over the face. Maybe it is a girl, everything is all pink, maybe a boy, and all is shouting blue. Little is known about a mother who had a still birth, a mother that saw her kid alive then after thirty minutes or so, sad news, it is dead. Or worse, a mother exited the hospital joyfully, giving thanks to the hospital staff for making it a success that the birthing process turned out well. On reaching home, six days later, the baby dies, God why? It was her rainbow baby (a baby after a miscarriage). 

Mid last year, 2015, I met a friend, Jessica*. By then, she was expecting and her bump was really big. It was her last trimester. Climbing up and downstairs was proving a monumental task attributing to her curvy physique. We even made fun of her often about the bump and guessed the baby will be a boy. And true to the guess, it came out a boy.

So, the big day came and she went to the hospital as soon as the contractions beckoned. She was later admitted and two days later, I received the good news that she had given birth to a baby boy. Immediately, I knew my daughter soon could find a cheerful and playful playmate in him. She came home and after settling visitors came to see her and bring goodies to the new-born. It was all joy as we took turns to see the baby and joke on how his nose resembled his father’s, how his hands and feet were like mother’s and so on. 


One morning, I receive a call from a neighbour, her tone is sad, her voice shaky, I thought she was informing me that my house-help had done something wrong to my baby or something related to that. I was wrong, she said ‘imagine mtoto wa Jessica* ametuacha,’ (sic). My body became cold, it was only last evening that I went to check on them for the first time, I left there very late, only to hear the following day that the poor boy had gotten his wings to fly. He even did not have a chance to wear a vest that I had bought him. It was really sad, he lived only six days of his life, he was six days old.

The couple had less to say on the cause of the baby’s death. Upon arrival at the hospital, the doctor examined the corpse and said the possible reason for the death could be Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). The boy was born healthy and never showed any sign of illness. Friends and family made contributions and the baby was laid to rest, a week later.

Since then, it has not been rosy for Jessica. But I must say she is one strong woman. Although sometimes, when boredom engulfs her and she has no book around her to read, she says that she wishes if her baby could be alive, she would be changing diapers and doing laundry. 

Death or any loss of a loved one is painful, it defies the natural order of life. It is worth noting that at all times avoid using your own experience as a way of connecting with a bereaved couple. Just listen instead, even if you find the urge of sharing your bereavement story.

Here is a list of what you should never tell a grieving parent;

I know how you feel

You really do not know how s/he feels. This phrase betrays a lack of understanding of what the bereaved is going through.

Time heals all wounds
No matter the amount of time one is given, you will never be the same again when one of your children is dead. This is a wound that will be open for a lifetime.

Move on
This already adds salt to the existing wound.Instead of telling a grieving parent to move on and let go the memories, assure them that you will be with them in every walk of their life.

Everything happens for a reason
Sometimes things just don’t happen for a reason. People who get affected by bad things are the most loving people, people who won’t hurt even a fly.
Instead of telling a grieving parent that everything happens for a reason, try to console them by giving them encouraging words such as; You don’t deserve this pain.  I wish I could take it away from you. It breaks my heart to see you suffering.


It is not okay for you to be so curious by asking what happened before the death of the baby. It’s just not ethical. It is like opening fresh wounds.