There comes a time in life when you should stop giving a fuck about people's opinions. Life is already fucked up. So fucking it any further ain't helping anyone here.
A time when a grown ass woman or man needs their space for once. Away from the rumormongers and gossipers. That time is fucking comfortable. You feel on top of the world, when you fart and no one questions, you walk around naked yet there are no spying eyes on you. Of course while in your own house. When you poo in the loo and don't flash immediately because no one is getting in there, it your fucking house. You pay rent.
Most of your exes are happily married with kiddos and submissive wives. You wonder, what the fuck did you do to yourself! The guy you've been crushing on gave you the surprise of your life when you saw him clutched his arm against that of some lady you are jealous of right now. You say, karma is a bitch! How the fuck didn't he see my effort? Trying to seduce a man.
Remember Kevo, the guy at the movies who introduced you to Jaymo, after breaking up with Sam because he was too broke for life. So you move in with Jaymo only to find that he is even more broke than Sam. Karma bites again. This generation has been fucked up. Hell yeah!
Adultery and fornication is no longer a sin. It is fucking practiced on broad daylight. Who the fuck cares? It's the 21st Century. A time when everything has been turned upside down. I tire for this generation ooh (Nigerian accent).
You are fucking tired with life. You will survive the storm sweerie. All the efforts have gone unnoticed. Don't give a fuck on the biological clock. You no longer trust church, the preacher if the day looks familiar, a friend of yours showed you his photo as they were getting cozy, the day before Church day, religion has been fucked up in a way.
The government is corrupt, the health system is fucked up, education system too, people have become imbeciles, religion has been exaggerated, dowry and marriage has been overrated. I need a sabbatical break.
#Ends#
Wednesday 30 March 2016
Tuesday 29 March 2016
LIFE AIN'T FAIR
I really do not know what's wrong with me.
Could it be because I never grew up in town or could it be because I was too timid to be me, to do me. Nancy, Nancy! Why are you this way? Even after going through campus, you didn't pick a thing or two about wearing makeup from your friends? Briefly, I am that kind of person who could take 50 selfies, scan through them and still lack one to out up as my WhatsApp profile photo. So I repeat the process twice and still nothing comes out. On one photo, I didn't smile properly, on another I showed too much teeth, and another my eyebrows looked way too bad, I never thread nor tweeze them. So they're like a poorly weeded flowerbed. But I swear I am not a perfectionist.
Now this is not a major problem because I can always find cute baby photos from the internet and put them as my profile picture. My troubles began way back in primary school, I was never that clever nor was I a book warmer. I used to fail math test like every other time. I remember my KCPE mathematics results was a 55%, and it was a C+. I was really overwhelmed. I remember a test where I scored a 38% and the person I followed had a 78%. Literally in the whole class, three streams, East, North and South, I was the last one. Mathematics to me has always been a nightmare, I hate it and I hate it that I let it sit on me and make me feel as if I have nothing in my brain. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself for not making it in this subject whereas I shone in other subjects such as Swahili and French.
I remember one time in high school, my maths teacher, Mrs. Mong'are told me that she is praying for me to excel as much as I did in Swahili. She even wondered, Nancy, who can you do so well in Swahili, write inshas everyday, good ones, yet the same brain cannot solve simple maths problems? I thought to myself, this teacher thinks maths is easy! Naah! She even asked me to really try hard and solve 10 sums everyday and take to her for correction. I did but guess what!
There was this yellow math book, Solving Problems, by C. Muturi. It had nice math problems, according to gurus. I only did the examples because I couldn't figure if out to even get to halfway on a real maths question. I had two books. One I used to scribble the sums whereas I used the other to cover the already solved maths problem. When I could get stuck, I'd peep to see how it goes, then cover again then peep until I finished. Sometimes I even scored a clean 12% in a math paper. There came a time I even no longer felt sorry for myself. I could say maybe I was bewitched or something. My high school math teacher even preserved a seat for me at the front, she thought as I sat behind maybe my eyesight had been interfered so sitting in front could save the day. But nothing.
Flash forward, I am going to town from Kikuyu, a matatu tout tells his passengers, wenye wako na coins tafadhali nisaidie, niko na shida no lose change. (Those who have lose money please help me, I have a problem with lose change). It's end month, I don't walk around with coins, at least for this first week. I am loaded and this morning when I got out of the house I didn't bother to check and see if I have lose hundred shilling note. I carried my cards and my purse full of a few thousand notes. I quickly tell the tout, boss manze, niko na thao, sina lose cash. (Hey boss, I have a thousand Bob and no lose money on me). He tells me, sawa madam maintain. (It's okay madam just wait). He does his rounds in the matatu and later comes back to me.
In his hand, I can see a five hundred note, and some two two hundred notes. Fare to town was around 60 Bob unless he had hiked it to 80 Bob. I was unsure. He asked, uko na fifty nikupee mbao? Do you have fify shillings so that I give you twenty shillings? I was so confused, I had given this chap 1000 Bob to remove either sixty or eighty whatever he could charge was not my problem at this time of the month, my only problem was, why is he again haunting me with something that has haunted me for the rest of my life. Math has always been a problem to me. Even the simplest of them all. I told him I don't have any other money. Because what I would do next would be an embarrassment. I was to go the the calculator app and start the math. A cute guy was seated next to me, so it could be a turn off if he knew that I couldn't do such a simple math on my brain without the help of my fingers and toes or even a calculator. 1000-60=940. If at least the fare was at least 100 Bob, a round figure, I knew my change could be 900. I am not that bad though.
A number of times I have been given change and thought that the seller has given me excess money. So in my little brain I say to myself, run, it's your day, only to find it is the exact amount or even it us lesser.
Now back to the main story, I am chocolate in complexion. I do not have any pimples on my face. One or two pops on my chin during those days, when I am menstruating. They are usually big and visible. More reason during those days I stay indoors. So my greatest things in life I have ever wanted to do is to walk around with a face covered in make-up. I couldn't want to fix the fake eyelashes, but just the ponds or face powder could be OK with me. I tried it once with my makeup artist and the result was awesome. I wrote a lengthy post on it on my blog with a title, MASHUJAA EDITION: MY HERO.
A number of times I have tried lipstick, one day I gathered courage and wore lipstick. So in the office, a colleague approached me and exclaimed; Nancy of all the people today you've applied lipstick... For a moment I was unsure, did I apply it the wrong way? Was the color too bright? I was confused and immediately took a serviette and cleared the lipstick from my lips. Then I thought to myself, this thing is not meant for me. I looked how I was dressed and acknowledged that that look was way too high for me. All I needed was Vaseline, I didn't even need face powder because makeup makes me look like another person. Maybe I bought cheap makeup, fake makeup that makes me look like an alien. Maybe I should try Black Opal or a Maybelline lipstick. I heard a real Black Opal goes for sh4000. I rest my case. Some people may not find me beautiful, but I swear I am not ugly, I am just broke.
#Ends#
Could it be because I never grew up in town or could it be because I was too timid to be me, to do me. Nancy, Nancy! Why are you this way? Even after going through campus, you didn't pick a thing or two about wearing makeup from your friends? Briefly, I am that kind of person who could take 50 selfies, scan through them and still lack one to out up as my WhatsApp profile photo. So I repeat the process twice and still nothing comes out. On one photo, I didn't smile properly, on another I showed too much teeth, and another my eyebrows looked way too bad, I never thread nor tweeze them. So they're like a poorly weeded flowerbed. But I swear I am not a perfectionist.
Now this is not a major problem because I can always find cute baby photos from the internet and put them as my profile picture. My troubles began way back in primary school, I was never that clever nor was I a book warmer. I used to fail math test like every other time. I remember my KCPE mathematics results was a 55%, and it was a C+. I was really overwhelmed. I remember a test where I scored a 38% and the person I followed had a 78%. Literally in the whole class, three streams, East, North and South, I was the last one. Mathematics to me has always been a nightmare, I hate it and I hate it that I let it sit on me and make me feel as if I have nothing in my brain. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself for not making it in this subject whereas I shone in other subjects such as Swahili and French.
I remember one time in high school, my maths teacher, Mrs. Mong'are told me that she is praying for me to excel as much as I did in Swahili. She even wondered, Nancy, who can you do so well in Swahili, write inshas everyday, good ones, yet the same brain cannot solve simple maths problems? I thought to myself, this teacher thinks maths is easy! Naah! She even asked me to really try hard and solve 10 sums everyday and take to her for correction. I did but guess what!
There was this yellow math book, Solving Problems, by C. Muturi. It had nice math problems, according to gurus. I only did the examples because I couldn't figure if out to even get to halfway on a real maths question. I had two books. One I used to scribble the sums whereas I used the other to cover the already solved maths problem. When I could get stuck, I'd peep to see how it goes, then cover again then peep until I finished. Sometimes I even scored a clean 12% in a math paper. There came a time I even no longer felt sorry for myself. I could say maybe I was bewitched or something. My high school math teacher even preserved a seat for me at the front, she thought as I sat behind maybe my eyesight had been interfered so sitting in front could save the day. But nothing.
Flash forward, I am going to town from Kikuyu, a matatu tout tells his passengers, wenye wako na coins tafadhali nisaidie, niko na shida no lose change. (Those who have lose money please help me, I have a problem with lose change). It's end month, I don't walk around with coins, at least for this first week. I am loaded and this morning when I got out of the house I didn't bother to check and see if I have lose hundred shilling note. I carried my cards and my purse full of a few thousand notes. I quickly tell the tout, boss manze, niko na thao, sina lose cash. (Hey boss, I have a thousand Bob and no lose money on me). He tells me, sawa madam maintain. (It's okay madam just wait). He does his rounds in the matatu and later comes back to me.
In his hand, I can see a five hundred note, and some two two hundred notes. Fare to town was around 60 Bob unless he had hiked it to 80 Bob. I was unsure. He asked, uko na fifty nikupee mbao? Do you have fify shillings so that I give you twenty shillings? I was so confused, I had given this chap 1000 Bob to remove either sixty or eighty whatever he could charge was not my problem at this time of the month, my only problem was, why is he again haunting me with something that has haunted me for the rest of my life. Math has always been a problem to me. Even the simplest of them all. I told him I don't have any other money. Because what I would do next would be an embarrassment. I was to go the the calculator app and start the math. A cute guy was seated next to me, so it could be a turn off if he knew that I couldn't do such a simple math on my brain without the help of my fingers and toes or even a calculator. 1000-60=940. If at least the fare was at least 100 Bob, a round figure, I knew my change could be 900. I am not that bad though.
A number of times I have been given change and thought that the seller has given me excess money. So in my little brain I say to myself, run, it's your day, only to find it is the exact amount or even it us lesser.
Now back to the main story, I am chocolate in complexion. I do not have any pimples on my face. One or two pops on my chin during those days, when I am menstruating. They are usually big and visible. More reason during those days I stay indoors. So my greatest things in life I have ever wanted to do is to walk around with a face covered in make-up. I couldn't want to fix the fake eyelashes, but just the ponds or face powder could be OK with me. I tried it once with my makeup artist and the result was awesome. I wrote a lengthy post on it on my blog with a title, MASHUJAA EDITION: MY HERO.
A number of times I have tried lipstick, one day I gathered courage and wore lipstick. So in the office, a colleague approached me and exclaimed; Nancy of all the people today you've applied lipstick... For a moment I was unsure, did I apply it the wrong way? Was the color too bright? I was confused and immediately took a serviette and cleared the lipstick from my lips. Then I thought to myself, this thing is not meant for me. I looked how I was dressed and acknowledged that that look was way too high for me. All I needed was Vaseline, I didn't even need face powder because makeup makes me look like another person. Maybe I bought cheap makeup, fake makeup that makes me look like an alien. Maybe I should try Black Opal or a Maybelline lipstick. I heard a real Black Opal goes for sh4000. I rest my case. Some people may not find me beautiful, but I swear I am not ugly, I am just broke.
#Ends#
Tuesday 15 March 2016
A MAN'S MID-LIFE CRISIS
Being a man is tough. Being a man has no choice, if you are a man, then you have to be a man. Being a man comes with responsibilities. A man is supposed to be a breadwinner. A man ought to provide everything and anything that a wife or a baby needs. Whether you have the means or not. Being a man involves sweating, grinding teeth, sacrificing your most basic needs for someone. Being a man is not a calling. You are either a man or a woman. Being a man is not a joke, laughing and smiling comes only once, maybe when you have fulfilled your duties or when out in a pub watching Arsenal lock down horns with the Great Manchester United.
But hey, here is a dude, in his mid 20s, say 23. He is struggling to fit in. He just cleared his Bachelor of Arts from the university, a year down the line, he hasn't been lucky to get a job. Job application after another, sending resume every time an opportunity chances. He has never got any call or even an acknowledgement email to say that his CV has been received. His B.A in Journalism is nothing in the market. All journalistic positions have been filled in by other graduates from the Engineering field or even Law School.
In a time where college fees shoots up to half a million, for two and half years, covering at least 48 units and studying for six days a week, at least three hours each unit, with take away cats, group work and other unnecessary course work, one is expected to get a job immediately after graduation, or better, while still in year three or four.
When a man has clocked 25, a lot is expected from him, starting from himself, from the society, the parents, friends, and everyone. At least you should be having a good job, you should have accomplished something and have something to your name. I am talking of those fast learners who by maybe 16 they were out of secondary school. Lacking something most crucial as money can be a blow to almost everything you want to do. You cannot dress up properly to attract a girl, you cannot eat in a high end restaurant let alone the average Pal's restaurant, you cannot rent a proper apartment in say Pangani Estate, you cannot date, you are broke. You think you are too ugly to date a woman, No, you are not ugly, you are simply broke.
Desperate times calls for desperate actions. As you log onto your Facebook account, it's been long, a whole two weeks! So you are expecting that some friend of yours inboxed you while you were away, maybe some pending friend requests, or even someone might have tagged a photo of you or even liked your photo or commented on your status. To your shock, none has done so, so heartbreaking. And the way you were so sure there is some activity on your timeline. Haiya! Haidhuru!
As you scroll down and read some posts, you come across a post seeking individuals for some online job, it says that you can earn 7,000sh to 15,000sh a week. You say, oh my goodness, why can't I give this a shot? Even the person that posted the advert says he is reachable via WhatsApp or SMS. And clearly you didn't have airtime, you can use the sms service. Let's go.
Peter: Hi, my name is Peter Omba, I have seen you advert on Facebook concerning an online job. It is not clear because it has no job description. Would you please clarify. I am interested to work for you. Thank you.
After a short while a long message comes, it reads;
Congratulations! You have been shortlisted for our ONLINE Work Opportunities for People with Basic Computer Skills to Earn Ksh 7,000 - 15, 000 WEEKLY. I therefore give you an appointment to Attend a 2hours Seminar Wednesday 16/03/2016 @11:00AM at our Head Office and learn how you are going to work with us online.We are located at Commerce House 4th Floor Next to Kenya Cinema, Moi Avenue.
REQUIREMENTS
-Note Book & Pen
-Ksh 200 Seminar Fee.
-Your National ID
-Casual smart dress code. Please Confirm Attendance now by telling me if you will come so that I Reserve Your Seat By (name withheld).
As you scroll further, you meet random posts from your friends in Facebook, one reads, I remember the days I prayed for what I have now. This post gives you some hope and courage that even you one day you shall remember the days you prayed for your needs. Scrolling further is another post which reads, accept and move on, the post is a long one but the content is about a brother who has been dumped by her long-term girlfriend. He didn't see it coming. You console yourself that in this boat of tough life you are not alone.
Your friends are well off by now, most of them, some have kids, some are working, they have real jobs, some graduated and after missing out on job opportunities they became auctioneers and are having the time of their lives. Business of selling second hand goods is booming. The girl you tuned in first year is now very far, far away, she got a green card and is now grazing the American pastures. The ugly girl in class, the one boys didn't bother with is now a proud CEO of her own company.
Sites such as job web, Kenya moja, brighter Monday, career point, are filling your email with spam messages. You no longer have faith in these sites anymore, how come out of all the 1,999 jobs you have applied, how come I haven't been interviewed even for a single post, even the least job I applied as a cleaner! Life is not fair at all, at all.
It is 4 pm, in your pocket is 40sh, you do not want to mess up since you may miss the 4.30 PM train to Dandora, if you miss it, you have to look for another 40sh to take a matatu to Dandora or wait until 10 pm.
Life is just a dream. Row row row your boat. Gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily, life is just a dream. Wake up!!!
But hey, here is a dude, in his mid 20s, say 23. He is struggling to fit in. He just cleared his Bachelor of Arts from the university, a year down the line, he hasn't been lucky to get a job. Job application after another, sending resume every time an opportunity chances. He has never got any call or even an acknowledgement email to say that his CV has been received. His B.A in Journalism is nothing in the market. All journalistic positions have been filled in by other graduates from the Engineering field or even Law School.
In a time where college fees shoots up to half a million, for two and half years, covering at least 48 units and studying for six days a week, at least three hours each unit, with take away cats, group work and other unnecessary course work, one is expected to get a job immediately after graduation, or better, while still in year three or four.
When a man has clocked 25, a lot is expected from him, starting from himself, from the society, the parents, friends, and everyone. At least you should be having a good job, you should have accomplished something and have something to your name. I am talking of those fast learners who by maybe 16 they were out of secondary school. Lacking something most crucial as money can be a blow to almost everything you want to do. You cannot dress up properly to attract a girl, you cannot eat in a high end restaurant let alone the average Pal's restaurant, you cannot rent a proper apartment in say Pangani Estate, you cannot date, you are broke. You think you are too ugly to date a woman, No, you are not ugly, you are simply broke.
Desperate times calls for desperate actions. As you log onto your Facebook account, it's been long, a whole two weeks! So you are expecting that some friend of yours inboxed you while you were away, maybe some pending friend requests, or even someone might have tagged a photo of you or even liked your photo or commented on your status. To your shock, none has done so, so heartbreaking. And the way you were so sure there is some activity on your timeline. Haiya! Haidhuru!
As you scroll down and read some posts, you come across a post seeking individuals for some online job, it says that you can earn 7,000sh to 15,000sh a week. You say, oh my goodness, why can't I give this a shot? Even the person that posted the advert says he is reachable via WhatsApp or SMS. And clearly you didn't have airtime, you can use the sms service. Let's go.
Peter: Hi, my name is Peter Omba, I have seen you advert on Facebook concerning an online job. It is not clear because it has no job description. Would you please clarify. I am interested to work for you. Thank you.
After a short while a long message comes, it reads;
Congratulations! You have been shortlisted for our ONLINE Work Opportunities for People with Basic Computer Skills to Earn Ksh 7,000 - 15, 000 WEEKLY. I therefore give you an appointment to Attend a 2hours Seminar Wednesday 16/03/2016 @11:00AM at our Head Office and learn how you are going to work with us online.We are located at Commerce House 4th Floor Next to Kenya Cinema, Moi Avenue.
REQUIREMENTS
-Note Book & Pen
-Ksh 200 Seminar Fee.
-Your National ID
-Casual smart dress code. Please Confirm Attendance now by telling me if you will come so that I Reserve Your Seat By (name withheld).
As you scroll further, you meet random posts from your friends in Facebook, one reads, I remember the days I prayed for what I have now. This post gives you some hope and courage that even you one day you shall remember the days you prayed for your needs. Scrolling further is another post which reads, accept and move on, the post is a long one but the content is about a brother who has been dumped by her long-term girlfriend. He didn't see it coming. You console yourself that in this boat of tough life you are not alone.
Your friends are well off by now, most of them, some have kids, some are working, they have real jobs, some graduated and after missing out on job opportunities they became auctioneers and are having the time of their lives. Business of selling second hand goods is booming. The girl you tuned in first year is now very far, far away, she got a green card and is now grazing the American pastures. The ugly girl in class, the one boys didn't bother with is now a proud CEO of her own company.
Sites such as job web, Kenya moja, brighter Monday, career point, are filling your email with spam messages. You no longer have faith in these sites anymore, how come out of all the 1,999 jobs you have applied, how come I haven't been interviewed even for a single post, even the least job I applied as a cleaner! Life is not fair at all, at all.
It is 4 pm, in your pocket is 40sh, you do not want to mess up since you may miss the 4.30 PM train to Dandora, if you miss it, you have to look for another 40sh to take a matatu to Dandora or wait until 10 pm.
Life is just a dream. Row row row your boat. Gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily, life is just a dream. Wake up!!!
Thursday 10 March 2016
WHATSAPP GOSSIPING
Don't I just love WhatsApp groups? There are those days you really feel so down and you need something to cheer you up. Look no further. The group, is consisted of ladies above the age of 20, with a little in their 40s. We don't really know each other because we have not met. Maybe one or two know each other. Now here is the fun of it. You can talk about everything and anything without feeling judged. Who knows me either? I don't have a profile pic, or even better my profile picture is some downloaded image from a certain soap opera. We have been texting for weeks now and feel that we have the green light to speak on any subject matter.
We assume that we know each other and voila, we start talking about sex. Who doesn't love sex? Everybody is having sex. So we start being real, some say they are married, some are single, some do not really know their status because the guys are playing games.
One posted; I really want to improve my sex life, it's so boring, I would like to bring something new in the bedroom, any positive advice is highly welcome, wrote Chebet*.
Another said, Khai mine too is too tired to perform, everyday, he comes home tired and I don't want to suspect that he is having an affair outside our marriage.
A third one said; Hehehe, my hubby is a pastor but ikifika bedroom, anaacha upastor kando, kwani what's sex for, it's a gift from God, so? Said She. (My hubby is a pastor but when it comes to bedroom matters, he puts his calling aside).
From the blues after 10 minutes of silence, Chemu says she is in a dry spell, for quite sometime now.
I am following the conversation keenly, of course I am not spilling all my beans today. I want to act like my Union is perfect for today, just today only, because I don't have a concern on today's topic, I am just spectating.
I have been faithful to my dildo for the past two years since I parted ways with my baby daddy, said a confident Lisa.
Immediately, someone asked, dildo ni nini? What is a dildo? I laughed. Some people really need to befriend this one friend, Google. I never ask questions anyhow, I must pass through Google for clarity of some issues. I don't want to look old whereas I am only in my 20s. Google can make a pro out of you.
Lisa answered the lost member that a dildo is simply a sex toy. A sex toy is used to pleasure someone sexually. Before then I thought dildos are meant for old women or people who are single and don't intend to enter into a relationship or any kind of commitment.
Lisa confessed that her 'man' has been there for her every time she wanted him, every time she needed to be on cloud nine. Lisa even shared photos of her 'man'. She added that dildos come in different shapes and colors. They are made of rubber and silicon.
I seriously need to have one right now, this cold is killing me, I just messed up my relationship and now I am in deep shit, lamented Avery.
Comments of interest toward acquiring a dildo spilled in. Ladies wanted to know how it works, where they can find them, and if it had negative effects.
Lisa, the enlightened one here, offered to educate ladies in the group how to use it and even sent a video. Steamy, right? Even vibrators comes in handy.
I, being the administrator, urged ladies who are staying with men in their houses, not to use sex toys in their absence because they could have replaced the role of the man in that relationship.
Typing
Typing
Typing
Typing
This is how the group's chat is active.
I use a sex toy but for foreplay purpose and my husband loves it that way, said Bibi.
I muted for sometime. Let the crème de la crème speak their expertise.
Bibi is the only member apart from the pro, Lisa, who came out clean saying she uses it sex toys. By 11 PM people were still logged in and beating their chests and convincing each other to buy sex toys.
The modern age woman is so sharp, she has a job, let's say a well paying job, she pays her rent, drives her Vitz, buys her drinks, pursuing her Masters, she doesn't have a kid yet, she needs sexual pleasure, but she doesn't want to commit to a relationship, men are so naggy to her, she doesn't have time for them, she thinks they are all losers, with a dildo she's sorted, what do I need a man for???
We assume that we know each other and voila, we start talking about sex. Who doesn't love sex? Everybody is having sex. So we start being real, some say they are married, some are single, some do not really know their status because the guys are playing games.
One posted; I really want to improve my sex life, it's so boring, I would like to bring something new in the bedroom, any positive advice is highly welcome, wrote Chebet*.
Another said, Khai mine too is too tired to perform, everyday, he comes home tired and I don't want to suspect that he is having an affair outside our marriage.
A third one said; Hehehe, my hubby is a pastor but ikifika bedroom, anaacha upastor kando, kwani what's sex for, it's a gift from God, so? Said She. (My hubby is a pastor but when it comes to bedroom matters, he puts his calling aside).
From the blues after 10 minutes of silence, Chemu says she is in a dry spell, for quite sometime now.
I am following the conversation keenly, of course I am not spilling all my beans today. I want to act like my Union is perfect for today, just today only, because I don't have a concern on today's topic, I am just spectating.
I have been faithful to my dildo for the past two years since I parted ways with my baby daddy, said a confident Lisa.
Immediately, someone asked, dildo ni nini? What is a dildo? I laughed. Some people really need to befriend this one friend, Google. I never ask questions anyhow, I must pass through Google for clarity of some issues. I don't want to look old whereas I am only in my 20s. Google can make a pro out of you.
Lisa answered the lost member that a dildo is simply a sex toy. A sex toy is used to pleasure someone sexually. Before then I thought dildos are meant for old women or people who are single and don't intend to enter into a relationship or any kind of commitment.
Lisa confessed that her 'man' has been there for her every time she wanted him, every time she needed to be on cloud nine. Lisa even shared photos of her 'man'. She added that dildos come in different shapes and colors. They are made of rubber and silicon.
I seriously need to have one right now, this cold is killing me, I just messed up my relationship and now I am in deep shit, lamented Avery.
Comments of interest toward acquiring a dildo spilled in. Ladies wanted to know how it works, where they can find them, and if it had negative effects.
Lisa, the enlightened one here, offered to educate ladies in the group how to use it and even sent a video. Steamy, right? Even vibrators comes in handy.
I, being the administrator, urged ladies who are staying with men in their houses, not to use sex toys in their absence because they could have replaced the role of the man in that relationship.
Typing
Typing
Typing
Typing
This is how the group's chat is active.
I use a sex toy but for foreplay purpose and my husband loves it that way, said Bibi.
I muted for sometime. Let the crème de la crème speak their expertise.
Bibi is the only member apart from the pro, Lisa, who came out clean saying she uses it sex toys. By 11 PM people were still logged in and beating their chests and convincing each other to buy sex toys.
The modern age woman is so sharp, she has a job, let's say a well paying job, she pays her rent, drives her Vitz, buys her drinks, pursuing her Masters, she doesn't have a kid yet, she needs sexual pleasure, but she doesn't want to commit to a relationship, men are so naggy to her, she doesn't have time for them, she thinks they are all losers, with a dildo she's sorted, what do I need a man for???
PARENTING HURDLES
I am longing for a united nation. Seems like a cliché there. Long ago, our parents were very conservative, marriage was a thing that was paid attention to so closely and keenly. Virginity was valued. Chastity was practiced. Bride price aka dowry was negotiated according to the virtues of the girl. Cases of extra marital affairs were so minimal. Birth control methods were a thing of Western nations. They even didn't hear anything about it. I am speaking of pre and post independence babies. Discipline was a communal thing. If someone's child was caught messing, in the absence of their parents, one would be dealt with by neighbors, even passers by. I tend to believe most women the age of my mum and aunties were married while still intact.
Nowadays virgins are as rare as gemstones. We give in too fast. Single mums are on the rise. We have a wide variety of contraceptives to choose from, from implants, to jadella to pills, name them. Sex has lost its meaning. I wonder why weddings? I thought a wedding is holy. No one should have seen the nakedness of another. But hey, I am not questioning, it is the 21st century. They say you must take a car for a test drive, just to be sure of its functionality. No one is willing to talk things out. Today I break up with someone tomorrow I am in a relationship and flaunting it. Abortions are on the rise. Teenage pregnancy is now on fire. Men are leaving naive girls pregnant. They never get to see even the face of the baby, let alone knowing the gender. Things are upside down. Who pricked planet Earth? Parents upcountry are not tilling the farm because they are taking care of a grandchild who came way too early when they thought their only daughter was due to graduate, only to find out she dropped out of campus to take care of the pregnancy. Why would a parent work so hard, incur debts only to be disappointed at the end? Where is SexEd? Is it in the curriculum or one figures it by their own? Maybe they should Google that too?
Flash forward, today's parenting has completely changed. If my grandma, Robina Kwamboka, may her soul rest in peace, wakes up from her peaceful sleep, she will wonder what the world has turned into. She died peacefully without even owning a cell phone. Nowadays, kids are given access to almost everything, thanks to the accessible internet and Google. Parents no longer have time for their children. Weekends are meant for chamas and get together. We have left nannies in charge of everything, they take care of our babies, feed them, nappy them, put them to sleep, we hardly find time for them. What a pity! Are you even sure that your baby is being fed the right amount of food? Is the baby having enough sleep? Maybe all the food goes into the bin.
Worse still when nannies have taken a French leave, we drop our babies at daycare. The baby will spend the whole day with that mama. Daycare is a business, there are lots of kids checking in from time to time depending on the parent's schedule. Any mum or dad reading this post, please feed your child properly, even if it means waking up earlier than the usual time. Your baby is yours, not your pastor's, not your maid's, neither your mother in law. Please take that responsibility. At Daycare, I am talking about a normal daycare, an average one, where you pay shs 100 when you've accompanied the baby with food, or shs 150 when the baby will eat there. Those babies are subjected to 'torture' while eating. You see a normal baby loves to take their time while eating, at daycare it's a Marathon, spoon after spoon, sometimes they vomit all the food. And as soon as they vomit, even if the baby had managed to eat only four spoons, it's a wrap for mama daycare.
These children at daycare I learnt that most of them, 6/13, are taken care by one parent, mother. Basically daycare should be the last option, it seems cheap but the repercussion of it is harmful. Depending on the structure of the house, mostly the houses are not quite big to hold at least 15 children. They are put in one room and if one has flu, all of them are subjected to it. Poor babies. Some parents even don't treat their young ones of flu because they say it's needless as the baby will get it again from another child. Good Lord.
Potties are arranged in front of the toilet door. So the older kids can use them from time to time when they want to. Mama Daycare is in the kitchen, busy warming some food for younger babies, so babies are unsupervised, one baby goes to the potty, it has urine, she starts to wash her hands and face with urine. You see babies' skin is too sensitive, urine consists of urea and other components, it can pose serious itchiness and damage to the skin, my say.
Why did our parents insist so much on same tribe marriages? Did they see something amiss? For example a Luo has married a Luhya girl, all these tribes trace their roots in Western part of Kenya. The couple has been blessed with a child. Traditionally, if a child is born, s/he is supposed to be given traditional medicine or charms to protect one from evil eyes. And also on the other side Luhya they do so in a completely different way from the Luo. One is left wondering what is best for the child. I am no believer of traditional things, charms and the rest, I believe that God is above all things, living and non living.
Tribalism will not be ended by a Kikuyu marrying a Kisii, tribalism will end when we will all believe that we have one God who by all ways is fighting for each one of us. Marrying a Kikuyu and still doing things traditionally i.e clinging to beliefs such as circumcising girls with a mind that it helps them to delay getting married is evil and barbaric. Tribalism will not end by us electing a President from a marginalized community. Oh no! I am afraid to say so. That is when a common goal for unity will be achieved.
My take. XOXO
Nowadays virgins are as rare as gemstones. We give in too fast. Single mums are on the rise. We have a wide variety of contraceptives to choose from, from implants, to jadella to pills, name them. Sex has lost its meaning. I wonder why weddings? I thought a wedding is holy. No one should have seen the nakedness of another. But hey, I am not questioning, it is the 21st century. They say you must take a car for a test drive, just to be sure of its functionality. No one is willing to talk things out. Today I break up with someone tomorrow I am in a relationship and flaunting it. Abortions are on the rise. Teenage pregnancy is now on fire. Men are leaving naive girls pregnant. They never get to see even the face of the baby, let alone knowing the gender. Things are upside down. Who pricked planet Earth? Parents upcountry are not tilling the farm because they are taking care of a grandchild who came way too early when they thought their only daughter was due to graduate, only to find out she dropped out of campus to take care of the pregnancy. Why would a parent work so hard, incur debts only to be disappointed at the end? Where is SexEd? Is it in the curriculum or one figures it by their own? Maybe they should Google that too?
Flash forward, today's parenting has completely changed. If my grandma, Robina Kwamboka, may her soul rest in peace, wakes up from her peaceful sleep, she will wonder what the world has turned into. She died peacefully without even owning a cell phone. Nowadays, kids are given access to almost everything, thanks to the accessible internet and Google. Parents no longer have time for their children. Weekends are meant for chamas and get together. We have left nannies in charge of everything, they take care of our babies, feed them, nappy them, put them to sleep, we hardly find time for them. What a pity! Are you even sure that your baby is being fed the right amount of food? Is the baby having enough sleep? Maybe all the food goes into the bin.
Worse still when nannies have taken a French leave, we drop our babies at daycare. The baby will spend the whole day with that mama. Daycare is a business, there are lots of kids checking in from time to time depending on the parent's schedule. Any mum or dad reading this post, please feed your child properly, even if it means waking up earlier than the usual time. Your baby is yours, not your pastor's, not your maid's, neither your mother in law. Please take that responsibility. At Daycare, I am talking about a normal daycare, an average one, where you pay shs 100 when you've accompanied the baby with food, or shs 150 when the baby will eat there. Those babies are subjected to 'torture' while eating. You see a normal baby loves to take their time while eating, at daycare it's a Marathon, spoon after spoon, sometimes they vomit all the food. And as soon as they vomit, even if the baby had managed to eat only four spoons, it's a wrap for mama daycare.
These children at daycare I learnt that most of them, 6/13, are taken care by one parent, mother. Basically daycare should be the last option, it seems cheap but the repercussion of it is harmful. Depending on the structure of the house, mostly the houses are not quite big to hold at least 15 children. They are put in one room and if one has flu, all of them are subjected to it. Poor babies. Some parents even don't treat their young ones of flu because they say it's needless as the baby will get it again from another child. Good Lord.
Potties are arranged in front of the toilet door. So the older kids can use them from time to time when they want to. Mama Daycare is in the kitchen, busy warming some food for younger babies, so babies are unsupervised, one baby goes to the potty, it has urine, she starts to wash her hands and face with urine. You see babies' skin is too sensitive, urine consists of urea and other components, it can pose serious itchiness and damage to the skin, my say.
Why did our parents insist so much on same tribe marriages? Did they see something amiss? For example a Luo has married a Luhya girl, all these tribes trace their roots in Western part of Kenya. The couple has been blessed with a child. Traditionally, if a child is born, s/he is supposed to be given traditional medicine or charms to protect one from evil eyes. And also on the other side Luhya they do so in a completely different way from the Luo. One is left wondering what is best for the child. I am no believer of traditional things, charms and the rest, I believe that God is above all things, living and non living.
Tribalism will not be ended by a Kikuyu marrying a Kisii, tribalism will end when we will all believe that we have one God who by all ways is fighting for each one of us. Marrying a Kikuyu and still doing things traditionally i.e clinging to beliefs such as circumcising girls with a mind that it helps them to delay getting married is evil and barbaric. Tribalism will not end by us electing a President from a marginalized community. Oh no! I am afraid to say so. That is when a common goal for unity will be achieved.
My take. XOXO
Tuesday 8 March 2016
MUSINGS OF A 30 YEAR OLD LADY
90s babies are slowly becoming mothers. I mean some born as early as 1995 are now mothers either by choice or by default. I am a 90s baby and already my munchkin has turned a year old. I threw a worthwhile party for her and I was happy. At least I know what it feels for such a milestone.
There is this cocoon of babies born in the early 80s, some are in their early thirties, some are turning 30 this year. Some have lost count of their years and have now started it at 26, again. As a lady you do not want to turn 30 when two things have not happened in your life, a well-paying job and a man, or a baby. At 23 you are praying at least Good Lord don't let me turn 25 without a job, Lord give me a man who will give me a dream wedding before I clock 29, Lord at least by 30 give me a baby, my biological clock is ticking, and my face is no longer glittering like a 18 year old, you know how many layers of make-up I apply just not to look my age, I am concealing a lot of wrinkles under make-up. I fake a smile every now and then just to brush off my sorrows. Before 30 prayers like, Lord give me a God fearing man, one who my parents will give a go ahead to marry me, give me a financially stable man, he should have a good physique and good looking.
Jacky* is 30+ years, rumor has it that since her hubby engaged her, they have been trying for a baby for some time now but for two plus years their efforts have bore fruits. Jacky has a friend, she is Maureen*. Maureen is a good close friend to Jacky since their heydays in campus. Maureen even helped Jacky secure a job in the same company. Things friends can do for each other.
Soon Jacky gets pregnant. Flash forward, Maureen creates a WhatsApp group for Jacky's baby shower. Friends and fellow office workers are invited for the surprise baby shower. Thanks to today's calibre of women, we just want to do things the Western way. I shall throw a gender reveal party for my second born, if God isn't done with me yet (giggles).
Luckily Jacky gives birth to her baby boy via a caesarean section and it's all joy to everyone that was waiting for the baby.
Maureen's problem isn't men, she has friends, even she is a friend to her ex-boyfriend. Fishy, right? Her ex's wife sends photos of their baby to Maureen. And she acknowledges. Who does that? I wouldn't want any connections with my ex moreso when he has already moved on, and wait a minute, when he's happily married with a kid. Maureen's problem is that she doesn't want to give birth, simply because she thinks her punani is going to be too big thus making her husband seek services elsewhere. She also says she has a friend whose punani never went back to its original shape and size and it has really taken a toll in her marriage. She adds that she will never have a vaginal birth, she rather goes the Cesarean way. That's Maureen.
Maureen turned 30 last year. All along she has been saying that since she hasn't clocked 30, she still has time. Menopause is calling from a distance. When you are 30 and haven't figured out things, it takes at most three years to date before you settle down. For her she wants a wedding, her boobs are saggy, her belly pouch is hanging, she is so bitter with life, her face tells it all, her legs cannot support her on wedges shoes, leave alone heels, her fashion sense is so gloomy, she is stressed up, her friends are doing so well, some invite her to gatherings and occasions. Did I forget to tell you that her parents are well respected people in the village? She is doing it for them, she does not want to let them down.
Her WhatsApp status know Jesus more than ever, full on inspirational quotes, Lord I am waiting upon you, Jesus wept, No weapon formed against me shall prosper, God give me faith to be a victory. She has joined almost all prayer cells, has set an alarm to wake her up at 3 am, if you pray at 3 am, it is the most powerful time to pray, your prayers will be readily answered, don't ask me how I know this.
Sometimes I stop and think; why is she so desperate? Why haven't men seen the good wife in her? She has it all, by the way she has a Masters, could it be the reason she's not finding a suitor? Did she waste her whole time in campus in Christian Union group? Is she arrogant and selfish? Or his kind of guy has not crossed her path? Or she has a condition in her private part and she hasn't spoken out? Is her bride price outrageous?
The more something stays in the market, say a cloth, the more it depreciates in value, due to the harsh conditions, it's value goes down. A nice cloth attracts the buyer's eyes, say one buyer is attracted to it, comes fits, finds that it is big, it's waist needs some adjustment, another buyer comes and the other, at the end of the day, the dust and the sun exposure makes the garment more blurry, if the first buyer comes back to see the garment, boy oh boy, it is so bad. The buyer even doesn't know why he got attracted to the garment in the first place.
Same to the 30+ year old. You are not appreciating in value any longer. There is no need to hang in there. Being single is lonely, it is good, you have the freedom in your two bedroom house, but the loneliness is hell. You can fart at the slightest opportunity, walk around the house with only the under garment and still no one would question you. Your neighbors are your worst enemies, they have loudy kids who even come and knock at your door, you hate it, why would a grown ass woman let her kids bang my door so loudly! But hey, kids are kids, let them be, you will understand it when you will finally cross the line and land on the other side called motherhood Lane. Here things are lively and lovely. Loneliness is a word of the past.
Happy Women's day.
There is this cocoon of babies born in the early 80s, some are in their early thirties, some are turning 30 this year. Some have lost count of their years and have now started it at 26, again. As a lady you do not want to turn 30 when two things have not happened in your life, a well-paying job and a man, or a baby. At 23 you are praying at least Good Lord don't let me turn 25 without a job, Lord give me a man who will give me a dream wedding before I clock 29, Lord at least by 30 give me a baby, my biological clock is ticking, and my face is no longer glittering like a 18 year old, you know how many layers of make-up I apply just not to look my age, I am concealing a lot of wrinkles under make-up. I fake a smile every now and then just to brush off my sorrows. Before 30 prayers like, Lord give me a God fearing man, one who my parents will give a go ahead to marry me, give me a financially stable man, he should have a good physique and good looking.
Jacky* is 30+ years, rumor has it that since her hubby engaged her, they have been trying for a baby for some time now but for two plus years their efforts have bore fruits. Jacky has a friend, she is Maureen*. Maureen is a good close friend to Jacky since their heydays in campus. Maureen even helped Jacky secure a job in the same company. Things friends can do for each other.
Soon Jacky gets pregnant. Flash forward, Maureen creates a WhatsApp group for Jacky's baby shower. Friends and fellow office workers are invited for the surprise baby shower. Thanks to today's calibre of women, we just want to do things the Western way. I shall throw a gender reveal party for my second born, if God isn't done with me yet (giggles).
Luckily Jacky gives birth to her baby boy via a caesarean section and it's all joy to everyone that was waiting for the baby.
Maureen's problem isn't men, she has friends, even she is a friend to her ex-boyfriend. Fishy, right? Her ex's wife sends photos of their baby to Maureen. And she acknowledges. Who does that? I wouldn't want any connections with my ex moreso when he has already moved on, and wait a minute, when he's happily married with a kid. Maureen's problem is that she doesn't want to give birth, simply because she thinks her punani is going to be too big thus making her husband seek services elsewhere. She also says she has a friend whose punani never went back to its original shape and size and it has really taken a toll in her marriage. She adds that she will never have a vaginal birth, she rather goes the Cesarean way. That's Maureen.
Maureen turned 30 last year. All along she has been saying that since she hasn't clocked 30, she still has time. Menopause is calling from a distance. When you are 30 and haven't figured out things, it takes at most three years to date before you settle down. For her she wants a wedding, her boobs are saggy, her belly pouch is hanging, she is so bitter with life, her face tells it all, her legs cannot support her on wedges shoes, leave alone heels, her fashion sense is so gloomy, she is stressed up, her friends are doing so well, some invite her to gatherings and occasions. Did I forget to tell you that her parents are well respected people in the village? She is doing it for them, she does not want to let them down.
Her WhatsApp status know Jesus more than ever, full on inspirational quotes, Lord I am waiting upon you, Jesus wept, No weapon formed against me shall prosper, God give me faith to be a victory. She has joined almost all prayer cells, has set an alarm to wake her up at 3 am, if you pray at 3 am, it is the most powerful time to pray, your prayers will be readily answered, don't ask me how I know this.
Sometimes I stop and think; why is she so desperate? Why haven't men seen the good wife in her? She has it all, by the way she has a Masters, could it be the reason she's not finding a suitor? Did she waste her whole time in campus in Christian Union group? Is she arrogant and selfish? Or his kind of guy has not crossed her path? Or she has a condition in her private part and she hasn't spoken out? Is her bride price outrageous?
The more something stays in the market, say a cloth, the more it depreciates in value, due to the harsh conditions, it's value goes down. A nice cloth attracts the buyer's eyes, say one buyer is attracted to it, comes fits, finds that it is big, it's waist needs some adjustment, another buyer comes and the other, at the end of the day, the dust and the sun exposure makes the garment more blurry, if the first buyer comes back to see the garment, boy oh boy, it is so bad. The buyer even doesn't know why he got attracted to the garment in the first place.
Same to the 30+ year old. You are not appreciating in value any longer. There is no need to hang in there. Being single is lonely, it is good, you have the freedom in your two bedroom house, but the loneliness is hell. You can fart at the slightest opportunity, walk around the house with only the under garment and still no one would question you. Your neighbors are your worst enemies, they have loudy kids who even come and knock at your door, you hate it, why would a grown ass woman let her kids bang my door so loudly! But hey, kids are kids, let them be, you will understand it when you will finally cross the line and land on the other side called motherhood Lane. Here things are lively and lovely. Loneliness is a word of the past.
Happy Women's day.
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